2 hours ago
words are all i have.
actually, i have more ways to communicate to you. what i should have said is words are all you have. and yet you post of their meaninglessness. so maybe this is your way of telling me you’re giving me what i asked for... not letting me (or not giving me reason to) let you take up residence in my heart and mind.
i guess this is your way of saying that it is, in fact, those prerequisites i mentioned that you require. i guess this your way of telling me not to hope in what i’ve been hoping in.
and since you have no other way but words to say it, and words about the meaninglessness of words at that, i guess i feel like the fool. how many words i’ve uttered to people here. and for what.
don’t explain anything. i couldn’t possibly understand even if you were to. my mind is not complex enough for the way people now are... now live. i’m surely in a bubble. this world is too complex for me. i simply want physical, mental, and emotional connection with someone. i simply want whatever is closest to what people call a soulmate (even though i’ve come to hate that word). i simply cannot comprehend this life and this world the longer i live in it.
music. that is the only place to go. songs without words.
ironically, it was mendelssohn’s first of his songs without words that opened the floodgates of my longing for kenny... and, thus, a window to a world i didn’t even know existed and of which i cannot understand. this bizarre world of voyeurism and phones and a show of sorts. it’s not for me. flesh is for me. flesh and blood and a physical heart pumping physical blood underneath physical skin. only, i believe i’m walking around in a dream-state and those things don’t actually exist.
m.a. is absolutely right. they’ve lost meaning.
and i’m at a loss for them anyway.
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