9 hours ago
“When someone asks me why I cry so often, I say ‘for the same reason that I laugh so often...because I’m paying attention.’” - Melton I used to keep myself from crying - in public and in private. This included happy tears, sad tears and angry tears too. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve cried in public, why I was doing it and who was a witness. Crying was/is a weakness to me. People will think that I’m vulnerable, too soft, too emotional - that I am not strong enough. I decided at a young age that I wasn’t going to be those things. Instead, I choose to laugh or altogether avoid the things that weigh too much. This has worked longer than I expected, but only because of how hard I have fought to keep it around. This battle is still happening and I still fight - but I have grown tired. I am still in the act of holding back tears based on who is in the room, because of definitions that I formed as a child. But I’m working on it. I have always fallen for men who are softer than me, I am jealous of my expressive friends and I am consistently asking others to let me into their most private feelings - yet I live in a constant whirlwind of emotions that I don’t know how to show. I’ve recently been chipping away at the dams that I’ve built - and I’m finding that tears aren’t only for sad times but also for the greatest and most positive moments. I used to save my tears for the hate I have for my body, my traumas, my bad days and my too hard to handle life lessons. But now, it just takes a sunset, a well placed wildflower, a deep breath, a scripted one liner, stories from strangers or a look across the room from Craig - and I’m a puddle. And if we’re being honest, MasterChef Junior gets me every time lol. My greatest lesson in life has been to “be present”. By grounding myself to the Now - I feel everything. I can’t help but get teary eyed when I see all that I have, what I have lost, who I am in love with and who I have love for. I am not weak because of my tears, I am supposed to be sensitive towards myself and others, and I am as soft I decide to be. I am stronger because of my vulnerabilities - and so are you.