1 day ago
Summer is over. Which means again, for me, I move. I’m asked by coworkers, friends and others constantly where I’m going this year. And I don’t know. It’s different now, having a partner I’m not living with, wanting to do what’s good for both of us, but also I’m still slowly transitioning out of the mindset that everything is about me. We don’t get into arguments per say, just moments of unevenness, or wanting in other ways or directions, not understanding or identifying with one another. And over the past 2 years we have gained an understanding of one another, that I’m very grateful for, that has led to not shouting, however a period of silence and then a reflection on what was done and how we realize it wasn’t the best course of action for the both of us, only one of us (mainly me)
I’m a hard person to get, I love so much but I leave a lot, I move a lot, I can’t sit still and when I do I don’t move. And when it’s time, every year everyone knows it’s a new adventure for me, I get asked and asked and i ignore. I do this weird thing where I bottle myself up in myself and I sit inside in the wet autumn air and I wait for the colors to change. I have no answers for myself, my partner, or anyone else. And I do feel a twinge of regret or pain of lack of acknowledgement that my friends, who are all over the world, would like to see me, or just know how I am doing, but I ignore them. Because I need to ignore myself, and the options, and the fake pressure I pretend is there.
If I had it my way, I would roam these mountaintops until I couldn’t go on anymore. Wouldn’t have to get a mortgage, or be on the pta or worry about the gmo in my food. Life has always been simple for me, but it’s about to get more complicated and I’m scared. But that’s okay, I can handle scary. I just need some understanding, and patience. Because I know the questions are out of love, I just don’t know how to handle myself yet. I thought I would wander forever, but now I know it’s not true.
To all my friends rooting for, caring, wondering, or worrying about me, I’m sorry and I love you. I’ll write soon 😘